I grew up in rural Missouri, aka, Misery.
When I was 11 I was compelled to take confirmation class. This was so I could be baptized, take communion and join the church.
I didn't really want to. It meant for two months my Saturday mornings would be spent in the church basement listening to Rev. Patterson lecture the four of us about creation, ten commandments, sin, truth, lying, redemption, virgin birth, "and the third day he arose from the dead and ascended", blah blah blah. I was only 11 but I knew this was a load of crap,
arose from the dead, give me a break.
I wanted to spend my Saturdays playing with Herb in the woods behind his house, and yes I do mean,
playing with Herb.The Rev. was 85 and suffered a medium case of palsy. During the 8th week he was telling us about
the turning of water into wine while holding a china teacup on a saucer that was shaking and rattling really loud.
He told us we would be taking communion which would signify the blood of Christ, (grape juice) and eating the wafer, (white Wonder bread cut into 1/2 inch cubes, crust removed) which would signify the body of Christ.
The Rev. wound up the eighth and last class by telling us... if we took these lessons to our hearts we would find Jesus* and find our way into heaven. If we didn't take these lessons into our hearts, we would find our way into hell.
Right there, right then, was
WHEN I KNEW. Hell was right here on earth and I was living in it. I knew we can make our own heaven or hell. I don't know how or why I knew that at 11, but I knew. That rattling tea cup had been like a bell going off in my head.
I knew I had to go through the motions, get baptized, join church, go to church while I lived at home, but the moment I was on my own and my own boss, I would find my own truth about this stuff.
BTW, I was on my own at 16 years, 7 months, but who's counting.
Still, at 11, I was scared and confused by all the new details of this information.
We went to church as a family. We sat in our pew, (third from front, left side), sang the hymns, bowed our heads during prayers. The rest of the time, like during the sermon, I counted the ceiling tiles, (369) the number of colors on the stain glass windows, (44) how many times the Rev. coughed and touched his mouth with his pocket handkerchief, (lost count).
I was walking home from the last class thinking tomorrow morning I will kneel at the alter rail while water is dripped on my head. After I am baptized, I will drink the blood and eat the body and... I am a sinner, I'm bad and I want to be good. I want to tell the truth. I want to be redeemed by telling the truth.
When I get home I'm going to tell my mom that I'm a queer and I like to kiss boys, I like to touch boys, I like to see them naked. I'll tell her that I know my older brothers like girls and talk about doing things with girls, but I like boys. I don't know why I like boys, I just like boys and not girls and I don't want to
be a girl or anything, I just like boys.
I rehearsed my "piece" several times and when I got home I asked my mom to sit down in my dad's chair, I sat on the foot stool. I said I have something to tell you now that my last confirmation class is over.
Mom, I'm a queer, you know like a sissy. I like to kiss boys. I like to touch boys "in their pants", (my exact words), I like to see them naked, and so on...........
Without missing a beat or batting an eye my mom said,
Well when Jesus was 12 he went into the temple and threw out the money changers and became a man. When you are 12 you will become a man too. Go get your sister out of her high chair and take her out in the yard.
* As the years went by and people asked me if I had found Jesus, I replied...
I didn't know he was lost.
RQM