Thursday, August 11, 2005

When I Knew

I grew up in rural Missouri, aka, Misery.
When I was 11 I was compelled to take confirmation class. This was so I could be baptized, take communion and join the church.
I didn't really want to. It meant for two months my Saturday mornings would be spent in the church basement listening to Rev. Patterson lecture the four of us about creation, ten commandments, sin, truth, lying, redemption, virgin birth, "and the third day he arose from the dead and ascended", blah blah blah. I was only 11 but I knew this was a load of crap, arose from the dead, give me a break.

I wanted to spend my Saturdays playing with Herb in the woods behind his house, and yes I do mean, playing with Herb.

The Rev. was 85 and suffered a medium case of palsy. During the 8th week he was telling us about the turning of water into wine while holding a china teacup on a saucer that was shaking and rattling really loud.
He told us we would be taking communion which would signify the blood of Christ, (grape juice) and eating the wafer, (white Wonder bread cut into 1/2 inch cubes, crust removed) which would signify the body of Christ.
The Rev. wound up the eighth and last class by telling us... if we took these lessons to our hearts we would find Jesus* and find our way into heaven. If we didn't take these lessons into our hearts, we would find our way into hell.

Right there, right then, was WHEN I KNEW.
Hell was right here on earth and I was living in it. I knew we can make our own heaven or hell. I don't know how or why I knew that at 11, but I knew. That rattling tea cup had been like a bell going off in my head.
I knew I had to go through the motions, get baptized, join church, go to church while I lived at home, but the moment I was on my own and my own boss, I would find my own truth about this stuff.

BTW, I was on my own at 16 years, 7 months, but who's counting.

Still, at 11, I was scared and confused by all the new details of this information.
We went to church as a family. We sat in our pew, (third from front, left side), sang the hymns, bowed our heads during prayers. The rest of the time, like during the sermon, I counted the ceiling tiles, (369) the number of colors on the stain glass windows, (44) how many times the Rev. coughed and touched his mouth with his pocket handkerchief, (lost count).

I was walking home from the last class thinking tomorrow morning I will kneel at the alter rail while water is dripped on my head. After I am baptized, I will drink the blood and eat the body and... I am a sinner, I'm bad and I want to be good. I want to tell the truth. I want to be redeemed by telling the truth.

When I get home I'm going to tell my mom that I'm a queer and I like to kiss boys, I like to touch boys, I like to see them naked. I'll tell her that I know my older brothers like girls and talk about doing things with girls, but I like boys. I don't know why I like boys, I just like boys and not girls and I don't want to be a girl or anything, I just like boys.
I rehearsed my "piece" several times and when I got home I asked my mom to sit down in my dad's chair, I sat on the foot stool. I said I have something to tell you now that my last confirmation class is over.
Mom, I'm a queer, you know like a sissy. I like to kiss boys. I like to touch boys "in their pants", (my exact words), I like to see them naked, and so on...........
Without missing a beat or batting an eye my mom said,
Well when Jesus was 12 he went into the temple and threw out the money changers and became a man. When you are 12 you will become a man too. Go get your sister out of her high chair and take her out in the yard.

* As the years went by and people asked me if I had found Jesus, I replied...
I didn't know he was lost.

RQM

12 Comments:

Blogger Connie in FL said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:13 AM  
Blogger Connie in FL said...

Well now, I am totally blown away.

Tears.

I can see it, in my mind. Having been in that house with those people. I didn't know how you told them, but now I am glad I do. It must have taken great courage. Especially at age eleven.

More tears.

You are the most understanding, sensitive person I know. It's who you are.

You're my favorite you know, and you are loved.

12:34 AM  
Blogger nancy =) said...

well i just won the jackpot...i came online tonight and was so disappointed cuz non of my blogger pals had new posts...but then i came to your name, and i found diamonds =)...what an awesome story, thanks so much for sharing it...when i was a child i had the exact thoughts on this jesus stuff...cept my thoughts were, "c'mon, nailed to a cross? rose from the dead? oh, stop..."...you certainly were, at only 11, brilliant and courageous...now i'd love to hear the story of how you left "misery" at 16 years 7 months...do tell =)

1:09 AM  
Blogger RED QUILT MAKER said...

nancy=
The quick answer of how I fled is, while still in high school I got a "beauty operator" license.

8:28 AM  
Blogger sttropezbutler said...

And you are still a " beauty operator" today RQM! LOL

Great post, really beautifully writen. You made it all come so alive.

More please.

STB

9:12 AM  
Blogger nancy =) said...

"a beauty operator"...is that the same as a hair dresser? or a cosmotologist? how long did you do that? i think you and stb need to write books...ciao, rqm

12:22 PM  
Blogger dixiedarling said...

What courage. Thanks for sharing.

2:07 PM  
Blogger RED QUILT MAKER said...

Yep nancy=, beauty operator same as a hair burner/cosmogirl. I did that for 6 years, I was terrible at it too...except..at the time beehives were all the rage and I could back comb and tease for days. "More tease, more tease, it's the hollidays and I want to be noticed."

FYI, STB and I have been friends and making each other laugh for 30+ years from all over the world.

2:11 PM  
Blogger Sublime said...

RQM - Not to sound cliché, but every time you post something it is a gift. The way you express yourself if wonderful. Definately do more of it soon...

So glad to know you and STB have been friends that long. You both seem to be cut from the same fabulous rug.

Happy Friday RQM!

Take care,
Sublime

6:02 PM  
Blogger nancy =) said...

i wish you and stb would write books on your life stories...the two of you seem like the most "alive" people...either that or start doing some mad blogging =)...ciao

8:23 PM  
Blogger Blogzie said...

Oh, I certainly agree. With everyone. When I first saw your title, "When I Knew", I was sure that it would be about when you first knew you were gay. But then as I read, I realized that it was about when you first knew that all of the Jesus stuff was a load of crap. But then as I read more, I decided that it was about when you both things. What a wise 11 year old boy you were. A glimpse at the man you would become.

Excellent writing and just beyond clever the way you tied it all together.

3:26 PM  
Blogger CrackerLilo said...

Wow.

I guess your mom just wasn't ready.

Again, wow.

I feel so privileged to be able to know you a little bit, and so gratified to have read this. How could you not become something amazing?

*hugs*

1:05 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home